Tri Diva Reunion Event? Hell, yeah!

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Fraudulent Triathlete

All the days leading up to June 7, 2009 did not phase me one bit. I felt so calm not one ounce of nervous energy, not one pinch of anticipation, just empty. I didn't lose any weight, I made only one sacrifice and I don't see that it was necessary at all but I didnt drink 2 weeks leading into it. Coco says that I am a perfectionist and by not meeting the goals I set for myself I feel an overwhelming sence of sadness, perhaps it is true but in all honesty I was not prepared for the adventure I set out on. I finished, yeah I finished but not the way i wanted. I felt no sense of accomplishment, no pride, no excitement; again there was only an emotional void. 

As I crossed the first mat to the water I was thinking... "This is it. Here is where it begins". I thought of Jenn's key chain that said "The woman that starts the race is not the same woman that finishes the race". I was intrigued to see how this would change me. It mentally broke me down. I started to swim and everyone in my group passed me. I was the biggest girl in my group and I was alone from all other Tri-Divas. I wanted to turn around but I was too far out and my pride would not allow it. I had two very important people in my life tell me they didn't expect me to finish and I could not allow this to be my story. So, I pushed and pushed and pushed for what seemed an eternity of 48 minutes. The red wave passed me, the blue wave passed me, the green wave passed me, the purple wave passed me, the yellow wave passed me and 1 lone lady in a silver cap passed me. I saw the shore and have never been so relieved to touch the ground in my life. I got out, I smiled because it was expected and I headed to the bike because I knew I am a cyclist and I can make up any lost time that I needed on my beloved bike...

As I headed out, I was discouraged but began to cycle. Out of the park head right down the hill and then to parking area and there is a small hill and I knew then I was going to be NO GOOD. I couldnt make it up that hill. My legs were gone. My stamina capoot. I was empty. This where Drea the Diva of Optimism and never say dies gave up... If I was a stronger woman I would have cried, had some sort of emotional response that could have driven to the end but I only had resignation of failure. I killed my self to get up those little bitty hill and walked every single massive one. My one event I knew I was good at proved to be my WORST one. I now don't even know who I am. I was alone and ashamed that I was too fat and too out of shape to represent the TRI-DIVA name in the 25-29 category with honor and fight. As I walked the last hill I thought of my girls, especially Jenni, Coco and La-La and the disappointment I was for them. I thought about how all the times I cycled and ran on the treadmill and then went to eat pizza or worse cost my sour and badly beaten ego. I can only assume that my sadness was etched all on my face because volunteer after volunteer took a serious interest in pushing me on. As I entered the transition area I came fast to face with Erma and Loni by now my disappointment and shamefulness has transfered to anger and self-hatred. I DID NOT WANT TO GO ON. 

I took my time, put my bike up, took a potty, bitched and complained about how I am a failure and I hate it and I NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVA want to do this shit again. After 15 minutes I headed out to the walk, legs wobbly, and I see Lesli and Lynn coming in from the bike silently praying they were too far behind me to see my disasterous attempt at bike riding. I walked my 5k. Half way through I heard them call out Coco and La-La's name as they crossed the finish. I received a boost as I got to the end and the beautiful ladies with cow bells and boas were high fiving and screaming in support, I put on my best show of excitement and crossed the line. Unfortunately, I was mentally broken. I do it and I know its going to be bad to say this, please understand that I mean no disrespect , but I don't think there is no one who can't. If all you have to do is float and walk 15 miles its not that hard. I got a medal because I reached a line in a "reasonable" amount of time but I am NO triathlete. I, walked my bike more than I rode it, I walked the 5k out of pure exhaustion. I am 27 (*no comment*) and I finished last in my class because I refused to go home and tell everyone they were right and I really couldn't do it. The truth is... I didn't do it. 

I look at my medal and take no joy in it. I enjoyed my weekend. I was with 12 of the most awesome women GOD every created and I am beyond blessed to call them my friends, my sisters, my heros but I don't deserve to share the title Triathlete with any of them. It will hard for anyone to understand what it this did for me mentally. Physically, I am fine. Theoretically, I did it. Realistically, I crossed the line, I finished. Mentally, I am a fraud. 

I have promised myself that this is not the end for me, only my beginning. I have told myself that I will continue my planned events and work harder to lift myself into what I feel a Tri-Diva is but as for today and  Sunday that was not it. I crossed the line 3:24:05 after starting my FIRST triathlon, but I have not finished. I am still a work in progress....


Jenn said...

Honey, I was NOT expecting this post after the smile we saw on that beautiful face of yours as your crossed that finish line. YOU DID IT. It doesn't matter how long it takes, it doesn't matter what your expectations were, it doesn't matter what place you came in. YOU CROSSED THAT FINISH LINE. Think of all those people that told you that you couldn't do it... did they even try? Did they ever attempt anything like this?

I like that you said your FIRST triathlon, since I'm sensing it won't be your last. Lift your chin high, girl... YOU ARE A TRIATHLETE. Don't let ANYONE, especially YOU, tell you otherwise *HUGS*

Julie said...

OH friend... I can't walk in your shoes and know exactly how you feel, but I can tell you the amount of times (about a million and climbing) I've told myself I'm no athlete... and I still can't believe I ever dared to join the tri kool-aid club

I am here standing right behind you though... and I'm so glad to see that you aren't finished... because you have everything it takes to do it on your terms.

I'm still proud of you, even if you don't feel so great about yourself.