Tri Diva Reunion Event? Hell, yeah!

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Fatlete To Athlete

Fear makes the wolf bigger than he is."
---- German Proverb

Been thinking on some things lately... mainly my quest... my deepest desire... to be an athlete. And it scares me. There are those of you who would say but you already are an athlete... but somewhere, deep inside I think... No, I'm not, I'm a fatlete... I'm a pretender, a poser, an imposter.

The simple fact is that there is a disconnect going on here in my brain. I can't quite put my finger on it, but because I can't run a whole 5k, that somehow diminishes the fact that I finished a 5k. I keep trying to tell myself a finish is a win! And I'm starting to believe it, but damn is it hard to break bad habits. The bad habits be self doubt and negative talk.

I'm also scared that I've backed myself into a triangle shaped corner... swimming, biking, running heading up each sharp point and each sharp point poised to poke me someplace tender... a stitch in the side, a twinge in the knee, burning lungs, sore feet... what kind of crazy person embarks on a journey they know will more than likely cause physical pain and at the very least an extremely deep physical fatigue? Crazy people, that's the negative talk in my head. That's the fatlete talking... the girl who so desires to be strong and physical and accomplished...

The athlete inside me is no girl... she's a woman who knows her strengths, knows already that I am strong, I am physical, I am accomplished. The athlete within knows that I have pushed myself to lengths I didn't know I had inside of me in the last few years. The athlete inside of me gets up off the couch and goes for a bike ride or a run or a walk at the very least. The athlete inside of me is the clear winner when I struggle, and I mean struggle deep within my soul about making myself go to the gym and then I actually end up in the gym.

The secret is though... that once I'm there, I'm kind of happy to be there. I feel a sense of accomplishment, I feel good, I like it... but the fatlete, that cynical bitch... seriously, I can talk myself down from a good workout high like you wouldn't believe. I walk away from the gym and I'm all happy and endorphiny and as I walk to my car, I feel the fatigue start to set in, and suddenly my shoulders are drooping, and my gym bag weighs a ton, and putting one foot in front of another seems so laborious... I just start thinking negative thoughts about why can't I just take this in stride, why does it wear me out so deeply, why do I want to give up my social life for this, why do I want a life where I go to bed at 9:00 because I'm so deeply tired.

I want the negative talk gone... it's doing me no good, it does nothing but cause me discomfort, distress, self doubt. It's so easy to get lost in that awful vortex, swimming against currents, riding uphill, running out of breath. When you talk yourself out of doing an event or even just out of going to a spin class... because you think you can't. But most times you can.

It's my inner athlete giving me this big pep talk... talking me up and making me excited about training for something... it's the fatlete that keeps telling me you're not ready, you can't do that, you'll fall on your face, you'll hurt yourself.

There is a triathlon in Claremore, Oklahoma... in October. Logically, I'm not ready. Mentally, I'm scared to death. Physically, I could keep moving, but it won't be fast. At what point do I just take the plunge... I'm never going to be 100% ready to barrell down this path... There will always be an event I'm scared of... a marathon, an Iron Man, an ultramarathon, a 100 mile ride... and yeah, maybe I'll never do those things... but I'll never know what I can do until I just get out there and try (or maybe I should say tri).

Time to banish the fatlete... no more inner athlete... just all over athlete... I believe in consistency, I believe in strength, I believe in power, I believe in me.


Courtney said...

Great entry! You are so much stronger than you realize...we all are. :)

Jenn said...

Phenomenal post :)

Sarah said...

Oh man, if only you knew. I pretty much felt just like this after my workout on Sunday. It's amazing that I can go out and do something so challenging and succeed, and then a few moments later, feel absolutely wrecked about my abilities. We'll get there...